Chewing over

Weight loss? I’ve lost so much weight in my time that I should theoretically be air, or even a little black hole of negative volume. Yes, of course, it piles back on - we’ve all been there. But although I’ve recently yo-yoed in the wrong direction, I’m proud to say that it is in my capabilities to become seriously slim. Just not doing it right now. Err - what cake?

I know we are all different and what works for one won’t work for others. A friend of mine lost an admirable amount of weight on a diet of baked potatoes. Me? I’d BECOME one if I tried that. Carbs are poison for me, even in the sweetest form.

For what it’s worth, a bunch of advice based on what I did to lose weight. Brekkie: have an egg in the morning, here’s my tip for perfect scrammie.

Or have 100g of full fat cream cheese, or a whole apple, cored and cut in quarters - that way it will make you think you’re eating proper food. And if you’re really hardcore - have a filleted grapefruit (or orange if you must), here's how to do it.

None of those options may sound terribly appealing, but they will keep you going reasonably long and make you feel good about yourself.

Lunch? What lunch? Just kidding - again, try no carbs. I ate sliced radishes or sliced cucumber, salted and peppered and topped with a generous dollop of mayo. But a salad like this, raw asparagus, will be adequate too. And if you’re very hungry, have a poke or one of those raw salmon and tuna things from salad bars - no rice though!

Dinner - salmon is deceitfully calorific so go for chicken, smashed into saltimbocca or creamed with leeks. Duck is all right. Beef steak is all right.

No rice. No potatoes. No pasta. No noodles. And needless to say nil solid post-dins, wine is allowed, otherwise depression would threaten.

At the weekends let your hair down a bit with a piece of cake instead of breakfast (it’s important to eat carbs and sweets early in the day so you burn them off) and perhaps have a spoonful of pasta or rice with dinner, especially when eating out. It might be a myth from an obsolete diet plan but it works for me: if pasta or rice I must, have it veggie.